Confession: I’ve thought about what I would do if I won the lottery and there’s a T.A.R.D.I.S. involved. #Tardis #Whovian #DoctorWho

Lottery Post

Not many people like to hear this but money really is what makes the world go ‘round. It’s not the key to happiness, but it sure can make you comfy as fuck. I’m not a faithful lottery ticket consumer. Once in a great while, I will get a scratch ticket, and when I say once in a great while, what I mean is I think the last time I purchased one was about two years ago. The reason I don’t buy lottery ticket is my big, fat goose egg of a return. I never win shit. This is not a ‘woe is me’ moment; it’s just a statement of fact. To me, the lottery is a waste of money and this is most certainly the case with most people who play faithfully.

I used to have a friend who has a serious gambling problem. She would play non-stop. Lottery tickets, scratch tickets, pull tab tickets, football squares, charity calendars….everything. She would get SUPER excited when she would hit a ticket for $100, and I had to be the asshole that would pipe up and say “yeah, but how much did you have to spend to score that winning ticket?” She never wanted to hear it.

That’s the problem with me and the lottery. I never lose sight of the amount you have to lay out to win anything. That being said, I almost always buy tickets when the jackpot gets super high. You know, when I have the lowest probability of winning. Lol Usually only $1.00 or $2.00, depending on what the game is, and it never fails. I immediately start thinking about what I would do with the money.

So, let’s lay out this scenario. What if you won?

Pretend there’s a jackpot and after taxes (don’t be an irresponsible jackass, pay your taxes or you’ll end up in jail), your take home is $500,000,000. Five hundred million dollars. Half a billion dollars.

First off, that is FAR more money than any one human being could possibly need to live a cushy life. I am sure if I REALLY put my thinker to it, I could figure out ways to piss away every last penny, but what’s the fun in that? Think realistically about what you need in life and what you want in life.

I decided to make a list. Again, assuming $500,000,000 is at my disposal, this is what I would do with it…

First thing would be to take care of certain individuals in my life that I love dearly. I would buy my mom, my dad, my sister, my great aunt, and a handful of my closest friends all houses. Nothing insane. No one actually needs a fucking mansion. However, I would hook each of them up with a nice 4-5 bedroom house, brand new construction, built to their various medical and comfort needs. Something big enough that they would be comfy but never again have to worry about paying a rent or mortgage payment. Oh! And there would be a heated garage attached because everyone should have a heated garage. Plus, I know some family members would not want to leave New England (because they’re FUCKING INSANE) and no one living in the winter weather of New England should be without a heated garage.

I would pay for a housekeeping service for all of them for the rest of their life. This is mostly because there’s nothing I hate more than fucking housework. Well, I don’t so much mind housework. What I mind is knowing I have housework to do when I have a mile-long to do list of other shit that needs to get done before the housework….which is most of my life.

My house would be the only one that I would go a little over the top with. Stick with me. This description is going to get a little ridonk… For myself, I would buy or have a 5 bedroom house built in Arizona. I would want it far enough away from the city that it’s got the “in the middle of nowhere” feel but close enough to make sure I have water and access to emergency services.


The main part of the house would be the living area. Off the back side of the house would be a fully enclosed greenhouse for growing my own vegetables.

If you’re looking at the front of the house, I would have a section built that is the same size as the original house.…..but it would be empty. This would be for one of my two completely outlandish wish list items.

First up on that outlandish wish list is a TARDIS library.

Picture this.

Inside the living area part of the house, all the way to the left of the floor plan, will be a computer room. Said computer room would be all decked out with the copious amounts of nerdy shit I already have. All my various fandom stuff everywhere. Lord of the Rings. Game of Thrones. X Men. Firefly. Buffy. Angel. Doctor Who. Harry Potter. All the other nerdy shit I love too. The essentials. lol

In the computer room will be a life size TARDIS sitting against the far wall, the wall that is butted up against the big empty section of house (the backside of the TARDIS is actually built into the wall). When you open the door to the TARDIS and walk inside, it’s actually the doorway to a MASSIVE library. The library will be the same size as the living area of my house. I want the décor done to match what the inside of the TARDIS looks like (circa the 10th Doctor because David Tennant is a fucking god) except the metal ramps will lead up to bookshelves instead of off into hallways that lead into the maze that is the TARDIS. The center control console of the TARDIS will actually have a computer built into it, maybe a coffee maker too. And, of course, the library shelves will be FULL of the books that I will collect from little hole-in –the-wall bookstores I find all over the USA (more about that later).



It’s pretty out there and unnecessary as far as expenditures go, but it’s only one of two that I can say is totally a ‘want’ and not a ‘need’ item.

The next big expenditure will be my bedroom. I want my bedroom to be huge. See, as my house sits right now, my bedroom is basically the main place I hang out. That’s where my DVD collection is and my real nice TV. My living room right now is more of a giant toy box than a place to hang out. My son has taken over. Lol This new bedroom will be big. Like, really big. I want a custom made bed. It needs to be the size of a California king plus half with a HUGE headboard and footboard. At the end of the bed will be a huge cushy couch. Out in front of the cushy dream couch will be a MONSTROUS TV, but it has to be out far enough and up high enough that you’re not craning your neck back to watch it from the couch but can also watch it from the bed comfortably. One side of the bedroom will have book cases built into the wall and those book cases will house the DVD collection from hell. I am a movie junkie and if I have a half billion dollars, you better believe I am going to get my fix. The other wall will be the big double doors to my GIANT closet. I’m talking something along the lines of Carrie’s closet in the first Sex and the City movie….except not white. I want it black to match the rest of my room.

And that brings me to the best part.

The whole room will be DECKED OUT in Batman. I am thinking a big light flush with the ceiling that looks like the bat signal. The whole bed will be in black and Batman yellow. The gigantic headboard would have a Gothanm cityscape carved into it. Just Batman everywhere! The walls will all be black so it’s nice and dark and it will be my own personal bat cave.


I know. I promise, I really do have a vagina….and the maturity of an adolescent boy. Don’t worry, though. I’m not going to run out and buy myself the Batmobile.  That’s just way too far over the crazy line.  We need to be realistic here.  I want the Tumbler.



That’s about it for craziness in my house. One of the bedrooms will be set up as a playroom for my son. A couple of guest rooms and nice bedrooms for my son and my daughter.

In the garage, all I want is a couple of nice vehicles. A motorcycle of some sort (I can’t decide right now what I would want), a murdered out FJ Cruiser, a 1979 Ford Bronco restored and custom made into a topless beast, a jacked up Jeep Wrangler, and a car or two of some kind to be decided on later because there’s no way I could choose just one, or even ten, right now. I would probably have a few, a mix of European and classic muscle. An Aston Martin Vantage or a BMW M6 Gran Coupe and a ’72 Chevelle SS. Something like that.




So that’s my dream house. I don’t need some palatial mansion. Just a house I can call my own.

I would set a million aside – five hundred large in two separate trusts. One for my daughter’s educational needs and the same for my son. Tuition, books, and housing would all be paid for without a worry.

I would donate $35,000,000 to the Ian Somerhalder Foundation to fund their start up. It’s a foundation I really believe in and completely stand behind. I believe they can do good things for this rock we all reside on and without the money they need to make it happen, they can’t. So I would give them their $35M goal.



I wouldn’t quit working. Well, I would quit my day job, but I would keep writing and I would put a fat chunk of money into my PR company. I would spend my time writing and doing PR for other indie authors. Of course, I would hire a staff the PR company and delegate my ass off.

I would also fix my teeth. See, I was born with a mouth that is WAY too small for the number of teeth crammed in it. This resulted in my growing up with a crooked ass smile. It used to bother me when I was younger but it doesn’t anymore. They’ve straightened out quite a bit from having my wisdom teeth removed, but I need to have another set of molars removed before I could even consider braces to straighten out what’s left. BUT when you have an ass load of money, who the fuck would waste their time with braces?!? I would go all out and have maxillofacial surgery to fix it all in one excruciating visit with a surgeon. I also wouldn’t leave my house for the month it takes to let the bruises fade.

Aside from that, I would put a few hundred grand in a bank account for petty cash, then put the rest in a trust in which the trustee is instructed to deposit a monthly “allowance” into my bank account. Nothing crazy. Like three of four grand a month. This would more than cover any living expenses and allow me to travel.

That’s where the hole-in-the-wall book stores I mentioned would come in. Ever since I was a kid, I have wanted to take a road trip across the United States. Obviously, I want to see the rest of the world too, but a road trip zig-zagging across the United States has been something I have always wanted to do.


Not only do I want to see all the cool things this country has to offer, but I also would love to hit every little hole-in-the-wall used book store I can find. After the road trip, there are certain places around the world I would love to see as well.

Aside from that, I don’t know. I would find lots of charities to donate to, lots to do with green energy and saving animals.

That’s pretty much it for my grand lottery winnings wish list. What would you do if you won the lottery and got $500,000,000 after taxes?



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